Bacterial cultures,

These lyrics!!!

2007-09-30T19:11:46Z

STING
"Fortress Around Your Heart"

Under the ruins of a walled city
Crumbling towers and beams of yellow light
No flags of truce, no cries of pity
The siege guns had been pounding all through the night
It took a day to build the city
We walked through its streets in the afternoon
As I returned across the field's I'd known
I recognized the walls that I once made
I had to stop in my tracks for fear
Of walking on the mines I'd laid

And if I built this fortress around your heart
Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire
Then let me build a bridge
For I cannot fill the chasm
And let me set the battlements on fire

Then I went off to fight some battle
That I'd invented inside my head
Away so long for years and years
You probably thought or even wished that I was dead
While the armies are all sleeping
Beneath the tattered flag we'd made
I had to stop in my track for fear
Of walking on the mines I'd laid

And if I built this fortress around your heart
Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire
Then let me build a bridge
For I cannot fill the chasm
And let me set the battlements on fire

This prison has now become your home
A sentence you seem prepared to pay
It took a day to build the city
We walked through its streets in the afternoon
As I returned across the fields where I'd once played
I had to stop in my tracks for fear
Of walking on the mines I'd laid

And if I built this fortress around your heart
Encircled you in trenches and barbed wire
Then let me build a bridge
For I cannot fill the chasm
And let me set the battlements on fire

I'm posting this in moderate secrecy

2007-08-27T05:48:24Z

His response:

Sorry, Adam. I find your writing very difficult to read. There little logical structure or coherent flow to your ideas. I'm sure you are a nice person, and I don't mean to be a jerk. But the meandering quality of your writing makes for a very tough conversation. I prefer focused dialogue.

I hope you can understand! Best of luck in all your endeavours.

Regards,
Mavaddat

My response:

Mavaddat,

Sorry for a late response.

If you're still interested in further debate I'll summarize my key points:

If I understand correctly, your claim is that the Qur'an is the sole source of violence in the Middle East. I'm asking you to provide very convincing evidence.

Namely, what distinguishes groups such as Al-Qaeda and Taliban from others like the Tamil Tigers, IRA, and Zapatista? My claim is that all of these groups sprung up from similar political/economic conditions. This, to me, is evidence that militant extremism is a product of those conditions, not necessarily Islam.

In the future, please ask questions to clarify misunderstandings instead of insulting my arguments. Or if you're not interested in debate, just tell me so. I was wrong, though, to present my full argument at first hand. Apologies.

All good things,
Adam

A whop diddley whop whop whopper

2007-08-23T05:42:07Z

I was in a heated argument with another person about Islam. Always gets to be the case. I invited him to email me personally and he did! The conversation seemed to go well, but we'll see what his reply is. Here's the originial message, then the reply.

Hey there,

I understand, of course, what Bahá'ís believe about Islam, but I think it would be dishonest and dangerous of us to attribute all the terrorism arising out of Islamic states and peoples to merely economic and political reasons. I know that the Bahá'í doctrines depend on the validity of that interpretation, but I think that it's just a wrong way to look at it. Consider how few Indian, Chinese, and African terrorists we ever hear of whereas those regions are far more impoverished than the Islamic states of the Middle East who have the most abundant oil reserves in the world. Consider, moreover, how the Muslims who perpetrate these crimes against us actively tell us that it is for religious reasons that they attack and kill Americans, British, South Koreans, and Jewish people.

It is simply not true that "no one will join the military out of their own volition (save rare exceptions)." The United States and the UK are running fully voluntary militaries. The United States alone has some 1,426,713 soldiers on active duty and additional 1,259,000 personnel in their seven reserve components. How is that a "rare exception"?

It is also a deeply mistaken viewpoint that "No one who has their needs satisfied openly goes into war." Surely, you must not have considered all the colonial exploits of the UK, Portugal, and Spain when you wrote these words. In fact, the opposite is more often the case than your suggestion that only desperate people go to war. The biggest wars of the last two thousand years have almost all been fought by countries of means and excesses, with well-developed militaries and structured armies.

Although there are other groups that terrorize people, it is clear that Muslims states are today uniquely responsible for producing large numbers of terrorists. Moreover, the Muslim extremists themselves admit that they are motivated primarily by religious factors and scriptural interpretations, and not necessarily by political or financial reasons. Their scripture tells them to actively fight, kill and torture non-believers, and that they will be rewarded for martyrdom to that end in the afterlife. So I find it very hard to understand why you want to promote tolerance of such beliefs.

It seems to me that the greatest way to respect somebody, is to take them seriously. And your attempts to reinterpret Muslim extremists motivations is neither respectful of them, nor intellectually honest with yourself. Which is more important to you: preserving the truth of the Bahá'í doctrines, or looking for an effective way to solve our crisis with Islam? If the analysis I have given is correct and the original doctrines of Islam are really responsible for terrorism, then it seems to me that those two things are not easily reconciled.

Regards,
Mavaddat

AND THEN I STARTED

Mavaddat,

Thanks so much for writing! I really appreciate hearing your views because you're quite intelligent and have many good points to make.

I think, ultimately, I agree with you. There's a really interesting correlation about the influence of a prophet on a region and a violent spread that surges afterwards, led by the followers of the religion. This is a blood that's on everyone's hands, in fact many Muslims, Jews, and Christians believe that the fighting we see is a continuation of the Crusades. Usually, religious conquest happens at a time when the government and religion are most intertwined, as was the case of the church and the crown in the Medieval time of European Christian conquest.

We see this is the case for countries in the Middle East, where the Law is the Holy Qu'ran, or so it is claimed. I believe that the source of dissent and conflict is the fault of mujtahid. The clergy of Islam are considered of such great influence, their words become law... whether or not the citizen feels the words agree with the Qu'ran.

We must examine the instability of the Middle East objectively, considering as many plausible reasons as possible. Economically, the unique factor of the Middle East is that we see a rapid and unexpected change in wealth happening very quickly. Being Irani, you know about the sudden power shift in Iran caused by the revolution. Many wealthy Iranians then fled the country, or saw their wealth confiscated from the government or dwindle due to international sanctions. It was a similar thing for Iraq and their tearing loose of British control.

Afghanistan's rebel army, the Al Qaeda, rose in power to counter the invasion of Soviet Forces. The battle was long and gruesome but in the end, Afghanistan came victorious and as a result, the Taliban continued to tighten their militant Islamic ways and power. In spirit of the famous maxim, "Absolute power corrupts absolutely." So was this independently a result of the verses of the Qu'ran, or did this happen in conjunction with the rapid shift in political power?

These more closely fit the criteria I mentioned earlier, whereas India has not had a radical shift in power for several centuries (save the praise-worthy works of Gandhi).

Other examples of militant extremism that weren't necessarily prompted by religious (esp. Muslim) fanaticism are: the Tamil Tigers, Zapatista, and the IRA. I see SO many common threads with each of these groups: their military tactics e.g. guerilla, their idea of racial supremicy, their strict demands involving a "reversion of wealth" (this is our land), etc. I see radical Jihadist groups as just one of these MANY threats to peace.

Although the US and UK army are voluntary, there are massive incentives on joining. I can enumerate without end on the benefits one gets from serving in the armed forces in America, a few examples being health care, dental, school funds, GI bill, stipends, travel benefits, private education for family, etc. not to mention an ad campaign that glorifies a bad-ass image of GI Joe. If these benefits and advertising weren't there, I highly doubt anyone would have the incentive to join. This has historically been the case following the disillusionment of World War 1, when it became necessary to draft citizens. This is similar to the methods also used to encourage people to "have babies", e.g. child care, tax breaks, health care, etc. (We see this in both Russia and America, Europe is now considering similar action due to the population declination).

To say that the holy Qur'an is the sole source of violence in the Middle East I feel is incorrect. Baha'is generally have a strong emphasis on the importance of metaphor and literary interpretation of holy writings. For these reasons, I cannot blame the Qur'an, a revelation, for the violence happening. However, I am in total agreement with you and Ms. Ali that Islam needs major reform. But this cannot happen until there is some political stability in the middle east... or perhaps they must both happen simultaneously. I am disgusted with the acts of the Taliban and their oppression of Afghani citizens. Saddam Houssein's slaughter of the Shi'a Muslims was, indeed, a crime against humanity.

It is my opinion that the major reform Islam needs is the reduction of power for mujtahid and the interpreters of Muslim law. I think these people are very knowledgable, but their understanding of history is personal and emotional. A famous mathematician, whose name I can't remember, showed (in a game theoretic sense) that the best political strategy is that of "memorylessness". i.e. one must not "hold grudges" for past works. This is the fundamental problem with Islam because it is a faith that supports the "eye for an eye" justice, as we call it. Today, an "eye for an eye" is impractical because such horrendous crimes can be committed for which there is no equal punishment. e.g. No death or pain could ever "equally avenge" Saddam for his works.

I feel that mankind is in a dark hour. They have wandered so far from the messages of God and the lights of revelation are so dim that people run panicked in the night. The fate of Islam depends on this reform. Never will I ever advocate violence as a means to this end. That is why I am so careful in expressing my feelings about Islam. In America, to feel as I do equates to support of the war and I absolutely do NOT support this war. If anything, we will bring revolution by creating trade and commerce with countries. When the countries do not act in accord, we must create economic embargo. This, as we know, is nigh impossible because Americans are so dependent on oil. Now, this war has come down to the two things determining the fate of America or the fate of Islam. How much longer can Americans deal with the corrupt and faulty oil industry, or how long can Middle Eastern countries deal with the instability and corrupt government? It's a sad fate, like watching two UFC fighters, guessing who will die from blood loss.

For these reasons I was drawn to the Faith. Besides the personal relationship with God, I commit my soul to the love of Peace. In my heart, I cannot condone this bloodshed and so I encourage Americans & Europeans to become educated about Islam, and consider peaceful Muslims as brothers. (Not all Muslims mercilessly beat their wives and daughters, as the media would make us think. Many just want to live and make business like Christians, Jews, Atheists, and Scientologists :) Although you are far more knowledgable about Islam than I am, violence is part of unrefined human nature. It's the mujtahid that have misinterpreted this metaphor and lead a mass of souls against the Will of God. I believe the recognition of the unity of mankind is the first step in maintaining a stable balance in this international conflict.

Please write back with any comments or responses.
Adam

anaoulache @ 2007-06-24T20:04:00

2007-06-25T03:04:53Z

I see myself by a large fire with
I see myself backpacking with
I see myself in a house with
I see myself on the road
I see myself now
I see myself alone.

revision

2007-04-24T18:22:49Z

Please I need no introduction,
Once you get to know me I am just an apparition,
Now here on my mind is a place where,
footsteps have sunk deep down to my heart where,
fleets of smashed ships lie there,
that tried to get through the cliffs there,
my eyes flash like a lighthouse against the cliff side,
my arms lure like the shore line,
I can see how the constellations form each night,
but I can never guess it just right just right
I get dizzy when I go to a place I've never been
Because someone else in me is returning again,
And here I lay my head to sleep,
But not to claim this land to keep,
Please I need no salutations
Once you say "hello" I belong to imagination,
How can I pronounce who I am when,
I'm a collage of all the names that amount when,
I float through life and see them,
And take a little piece of them,
I perched myself atop the rocks that line the shores,
And built this house from broken boats and oars
Stargazer gone daydreaming in the night,
Again I forget to turn on this light,
please I need no eulogy
what's the point in trying to make me more than I be?
Now here on my grave's an epitaph where
chisels have carved a name to honor where
my body fell and became dirt there
pieces to take for all who walk there

In this past half year alone...

2007-04-20T19:02:29Z

I have wasted over $2500 due to stupidity alone.

I am not frustrated because I have lost a material possession, I am frustrated at my inability to maintain control of myself.

As Rumi says, "Pain is a midwife". So, I hope that in the future, I will be less stupid. I'm giving birth to intelligence and self control. The money loss is just afterbirth, squishy and disgusting.

anaoulache @ 2007-04-12T16:54:00

2007-04-12T23:54:49Z

I was told once that working for money was like cutting off fingers. You can only give away so much before there's nothing left. Of course, the person who told me that was a dirty hippie. But aside from that, it's baffling to consider how much wasted time we piss away in our lives.

Right now, I'm wondering about what I'm doing. What are my aims? What is it that I've laid my sights on, that I'm working towards? I've spared myself the hassle of even thinking about "why". Trying to think about "what" is enough to rock my head off my shoulders.

It frustrates me when I want to work toward something, but there is unyielding resistence. I would scratch my nails down to stubs trying to claw through a cement wall, for my stupidity. I am the dog with a leash wrapped around a pole. I am the bird who is attacking its reflection in a pane of glass. When a person is buried alive, their breath quickens, their body tenses up, their oxygen demand skyrockets. There are so many situations where nature demands our aplomb, confidence, and calmness: in these situations our mind darts to fight or flight. We grow restless and mad over the indelible. But what for?

I wonder about these things like age. I wonder how sitting in front of computers everyday changes the chemistry of my body. I wonder how toxins in this body will affect me in older age (or how they affect me now). I wonder if age will slap me and break my back with the overt clairon of the most wonderful life maxim:

LOVE

and

HAPPINESS

anaoulache @ 2007-04-02T14:59:00

2007-04-02T22:01:14Z

there is something with so many thorns that I could never hope to grasp it. It's buried inside me... every minute, churning, burrowing and prodding. Blood flows across its eyes. gnashing teeth. in the midst of it, i hold onto hope. because i know it, like me, wants freedom. the pain of necessary separation. wisdom teeth, cancers, birth. it's all part of life and I too gnash my teeth, burrowing every minute through the thick of it.

TOO poetic

2007-03-26T01:06:18Z

Between my fingers
I hold a fine wine
the moon's menarche
in an hour glass
I sip another hour past

No cosmic lover

2007-03-21T23:06:12Z

What is it that makes two people eternally glue themselves together? Is it possible?
Nothing is absolute.
It is impossible for two people to become one.
But is there a measure of difference?
Or are we all essentially different?
(Irrepairably separated... eternally lonely)
Is that why we can have a profound feeling of love toward a total stranger?
Or surround ourselves with people we despise?
Is that why true love is rejected on the basis of age?
Perhaps a basis of experience... hm.

"
Please I need no introduction
Once you get to know me, I am just an apparition
Now here on my mind is place where
footsteps have sunk deep down to my heart where
fleets of smashed ships lie there
that tried to get through the cliffs there
"

Strange that I'm totally unaware of my present life.
My past is a warm room full of people.
And I recall exactly each person's dynamic flux with myself.
For some, it is easy. I am comfortable around them.
For others, there is difficulty. There is chaff, sinew, and rheum.
I think the soul tells me which are those I am supposed to be associated with.
I do not know how to listen to it very well.
I am learning.

A refinement of the popular image of the perfect lover:
<ul>
<li>It is not simply being beautiful that makes one so. It is the fact that 1.) They consider themselves to be so. 2.) They respect their self, the body included, and keep it clean as a temple.

<li>Opposites do not attract. We seek lovers as a vicarious fulfillment of the things we feel we cannot do. It is not sufficient to say that we like creative types because we are not creative. We like creative types because we share the satisfaction they have for completing a creative piece.

<li>Love is not an emotion. Love, rather, is a virtue which is observed via actions. The actions we take and those we endure create emotions. Emotions, then reinforce or denigrate our virtues. We act with love toward one another if we embody this virtue. In this sense, love is like truthfulness, love is like generosity. Love is not an emotion because emotions have no requirements; there is nothing encumbent upon the emoter besides that. Love guides our actions.
</ul>

Personal compatibility:

+camping
+laughing
+no manners
+arting
+musicking
+merrimaking
-sick often
+carefree
-sentimentality
+food
+adventure
-restricts self
-doubt
-picky eater
-mumble
+pride
-zealous
+pissy
+communication

"

Tell me
warrior
who you gonna kill
when we're dead?
Tell me
sailor man
where you gonna sail
when the 7 seas have dried
I kick and scratch my eyes
and I pray for rain
And just then, the moon from its shroud of clouds, tells me to carry on.

"

anaoulache @ 2007-03-20T11:33:00

2007-03-20T18:54:31Z

the things I fear

waking up in unfamiliar places
the feelings of being left alone
or being left alone
insects
feeling insufficient
losing an opportunity
hate
guns
knives
drunk people
drunk driving people
being attacked
parasitic worms
pandemics
nuclear war
war
nuclear energy
biomedical engineering
cloning
resussitation
genocide
greed
talking about ghosts
embalming
preservatives
modified food products
cancer
diabetes
losing my hearing
losing my fingers
large corporate government fucks
unemployment at 30.
Life at 30
Life at 30 with no trees
Life at 30 with worse air pollution
Life at 30 with kids
My kid with asthma because there is so much air pollution and no trees
Life at 30 with scary different music that I don't enjoy
My kid listening to music that I don't enjoy
Not enjoying music
(more succintly) the possibility of not enjoying music
Massive economic downfall
Massive economic downfall due to reliance on nonrenewable, unsustainable energy
Massive economic downfall due to wars induced by private interests
Massive economic downfall due to fraudulant social systems
Emigration
Not having a secure, safe home to raise a kid
Life at 50 with no kids
Life at 50 with no trees
Life at 50 being unable to camp
Life at 50 being unable to play music (that I enjoy)
Life at 50 being unable to swim
Never visiting Iran
Never seeing my Iranian family
Not visiting Iran before my grandma passes away
War between America and Iran
Nuclear war between America and Iran
Radioactive sickness
Cancer due to radioactive sickness
Infertility
Life at 50 with no kids due to infertility from cancer caused by radioactive sickness
Death of a loved one
Eating disgusting things and being unaware of it
Eating a loved one and being unaware of it
Life at 70 without clean air
Life at 70 without clean water
Life at 70 with no trees
Life at 70 with no peace
Electronic worlds
Second Life
World of Warcraft
Myspace
Livejournal
cell phones
Gmail
bits vs. Atoms
social networks of people, completely removed from each other
the Matrix
complexity

anaoulache @ 2006-07-12T20:48:00

2006-07-13T00:49:59Z

Every mystic will say just
the same:

In our world, we learn
to see magic and promptly disregard
But a listless world can be awakened
to a discover the sound of a symphony
at the crashing of a raindrop

All lovers rouse themselves at the sound of such
drink wine, kiss, embrace

dear lover,
for you, I am always celebrating

On the essence of man and woman.

2006-02-10T21:17:36Z

Maternal material is impartial to the martial art of marriage and the ideal repeal congeals the deal as male and female wail and bray to stay, procreating, or go away. So you see the paradox has lost all its conniption and anal retention for those that deny their intuition and suspicions. For father, the ephemeral figure, frolicks to a forest and feasts on fauna, dropping in his feces a seed that will one day spring forth from the slovenly thickets and troves of hyacinths and rush. Whereas rush merely flourish in the saline streams. And mama the flora with flowers in hair will stand passively there as raging stampedes of animals come thrashing through those thickets and tear her seedlings right up from the roots. Such tragedy is apparent to me, the impartial observer with diligent eyes, perched on the vantage of a horizon perihelion fixed at the apex of Earth's acutemost fold. Worlds have unfolded to me as my feet nimbly escape from the cave. But the hindsight contrast of my former oppilated dwelling dim, demur and almost opaque, has nigh the capacity to receive such sad news. Now having sacraficed the essence of my animal being to attain understanding there has been achieved a threshhold of understanding, a contrast to the principles of progression. On the infinite boundries one will find only sadness and lack of understanding for the part of them that continued with such momentum that it fell off into a dark and imperceivable sepulcher.

Gal dang

2006-01-15T02:54:45Z

Among the many catastrophes exploding in the sky right now... I finally figured out the software issue with my computer. Evidently Firefox sucks at downloading executables, it just lobs off the .exe part and makes it a mystery file. Well, no more. Back to I.E., I'm trying to download it. Now, the internet is barely working and constantly flickering on and off.

Triste como las estrellas. Feo como los arbores. Aburrido como las montanas.

Case in point: I could SOO use a blunt to chill out.

anaoulache @ 2006-01-02T12:19:00

2006-01-02T20:28:06Z

People are so fucking boring. And they are so fucking sad all the time. I don't get it. Am I just becoming one of them? Slipping into the monotone foam that froths forth from the bacterial culture of Earth? Or am I evolving to crawl out of the slippery grasps of this beaker glass? Occassionally, I stop and realize that I have absolutely NO reason to be alive. None. And the thought so overwhelms me that I just can't fool myself to thinking there's much purpose to what I'm doing. I have more grey hair on the side of my head. My new year's resolution was FOCUS. And I've tried so HARD to focus on things that really matter. But hell, how can that happen? Each problem presents an infinte subset of problems so how does one sizably choose which ones to delve into entirely and which ones to halfassedly solve and which to ignore entirely? I've sat here for hours looking up information on multitudes on things. Innumerate:

Fafsa
-->Legal info on my mom and dad's separation
-->Oregon bar definition of separation
-->Financial aid definition (no solution).
-->OSAC grants/scholarships
-->Calling PSU (closed)
Paying for shit that's already really late (i.e. PCC)
--> Calling PCC (closed)
--> Going online (hopeless)
Looking for bikes
--> Called dad (asleep at 11:30)
--> Checked out craigslist

No matter how much I beat my head against a brick wall I'll never seem to complete things that need to be completed. And thus: regress. Back to the hopeless foam. Strife is the only reason I'm alive, ironically. (Strife being a derivative of STRIVE). Then I fall apart and can't do anything about it. And I just sort of have nothing. I don't have a job now which makes me feel all the more shitty. (cept maybe tutoring and twiddling thumbs under the president's totally retarded idea of "No Child Left Behind")

Ugg... and of course, multitudes of other things are now attacking me and I'm going to have to go off and take care of them. Well, ta!

Places in NE.

2005-12-02T19:34:17Z

http://portland.craigslist.org/apa/114950631.html
Kinda spendy, kinda far. Totally remodeled. 3bdr

WHOA!
http://portland.craigslist.org/apa/115063965.html
1800sqft 3bdr, room for at least 1 more.
Minutes from PSU. English cottage.

http://portland.craigslist.org/apa/115117903.html
Kinda far, no garage, 1411 sqft so 3 bdr and maybe room for 1 more.

http://portland.craigslist.org/apa/114838760.html
4bdr, 1800 sqft so room for maybe 1 more.
Superduper close to PSU.

http://portland.craigslist.org/apa/114807598.html
3bdr, 1 bath. shady... no info about size, color, or anything. But close to downtown!

http://portland.craigslist.org/apa/114661889.html
NE ALBERTA!!! Artsy crazy fun area. 4 bdr 1200 rent.

Also in alberta,
http://portland.craigslist.org/apa/114582034.html
And
http://portland.craigslist.org/apa/114578668.html
Both of which are 3 bdr and 1195 rent which is kind of steep. But, Alberta is pretty and fun.

http://portland.craigslist.org/apa/114626526.html
Don't totally understand it. A good deal: 990, 3bdr. Think it might be a mobile home? Great furnishings. Someone might have died there.

http://portland.craigslist.org/apa/114406405.html
Concordia home: 30 minute bus ride to PSU. Sweet deal!!! 4 bdr, 1200 rent. Check it out.

http://portland.craigslist.org/apa/114574103.html
HEYUGE! 4 bdr and room for at least one more. However, no info on addy. Just "Wishire Park"

http://portland.craigslist.org/apa/113392495.html
Some guy is personally renting out his house here. Worth checking out, I think. His number is5034221512 CHEAP CHEAP! Under $300 rent if folks get in on it.

Still to check out:
SW areas, SE areas.

Some possible places in the North area.

2005-12-02T18:47:21Z

5850 SW FRANKLIN ST. , BEAVERTON OR 97005
http://portland.craigslist.org/apa/115132053.html

http://portland.craigslist.org/apa/114803257.html

3945 SW 102nd AVE , Beaverton OR 97008 (Ends up being a 1/2 mile walk and a thirty minute ride, not that bad.
http://portland.craigslist.org/apa/114342338.html

The jerks didn't post an address... but wow, looks beautiful. We could even have a fourth person in on it at the bonus room?
503-233-5813
http://portland.craigslist.org/apa/112893409.html

http://portland.craigslist.org/apa/111990493.html
Totally trashy, but wow... cheap

http://portland.craigslist.org/apa/111534203.html
We would need to bike down to the bus stop... but, West Linn usually has really good neighborhoods.

Meow.

2005-11-04T08:03:08Z

What is it that keeps the big ticker ticking and why do we barely hear it?
Among the crooks and firecrackers in the city sneering,
So now this oblivious form weaves between our toes,
Gasses out our eyes 'til we realize we really are alone,
Every little piece of info becomes a highly unstable explosive,
The one you called a best friend soon is a weapon,
and the heart is holding her breath.
Who are these people?
Clenching chests,
heaving sorrow,
bulging from their eyelids,
Why do they abate their anger on a stanger?
Or a lover?
Why are these people so lost?
And so sad?
Wandering around, scuffling shoes, squat on haunches waiting for the time,
to make raindrops on a waxy green leaftip.
Who are these people?
Huddled under the rainfall, the concrete flood of fate,
out against the blue amidst this upright destruction,
Clenching their chests,
shivering helplessly.
In the fog traversing sidewalk steps,
by an open burning barrel,
that really is just like the world,
it's round,
and everyone is crowded there.
And they can hear the fire snapping,
Cracking, spitting out embers,
but they'll never know why.
Who are these people?
People so afraid of being lost,
so afraid of being alone,
they live in the fantasy,
they make themselves naked and known to no one,
they hurt everyone who could possibly love them,
then crowd into the darkness,
clenching their chests,
and wait 'til the convenient time to rely on someone's pity,
to be suckered,
and abused.
WHO. ARE. THESE. PEOPLE?

Viens Habibi

2005-10-21T22:55:45Z

This fucking house's haunted. I just had a deja vu so thick I was almost going to throw up.

It's weird. I don't know if stuff with Steph was a mistake. I love her, and I'm ready to let go of that shit. It was a good experience though, I learned a lot. However, it's odd to think that now I have 2 friends that took their life and 2 that tried and failed. I was going to play a song that I wrote about that, but I revamped and changed my mind about playing guitar altogether. Which brings me to the point that I should probably be playing banjo. A jam does a body good. Speaking of, Steph mentioned it and I think I want to try LSD. Maybe not in the immediate future. But just because.

Earlier

2005-10-21T05:32:54Z

I said, "Sexy body. This applies to me." I wasn't saying I have a sexy body. However, I am coming to like my body more and more. I'm sure there's a woman out there who likes the hairyness.

Oh yeah, and I said "Romance a lover while listening to Claude DeBussy's 'La Mer'"

What I meant was fuck. But that means La Mer would be just as good as, say, Red Hot Chili Peppers, "I Like Dirt". Sit down get down in the sun, live to love and give good tongue. What poetry.

Got to make my bread for tomorro

anaoulache @ 2005-10-19T23:13:00

2005-10-20T06:13:10Z

p.s. after all, there WERE other pretty ones there.

Bahai

2005-10-20T06:12:20Z

I had a wonderful time at the Bahai center! There are so many awesome people. And the religion has such an interesting history! Technically, it also includes the history of the muslims, the christians, and the jews. That's pretty cool. I'm wondering if I'll be able to make any progress with a religion. It's so odd to think... being a part of a religion. Something I've scornfully shunned for years, I will now accept. I still come back to the idea that religion was a social instution established by government to make people managable. It's a hard thought to abandon! But then again, in early culture, religion WAS government. (In many, still so). But the times have certainly changed. I love the emphasis on human responsibility. Rather than calling us sinners, the Bahaoullah's message is "You're responsible for bringing the kingdom of heaven to Earth and maintaining it." Also! the Bahaoullah said that religion must be in accordance with science. How freaking awesome is that? Neat.
Anyway, I also met a bunch of people. Some of which were very, very pretty! Hahah, I hate having a rapid fire heart. Surely, I'll never talk to most of the girls there. But still, you imagine and... haha. Well, we'll see how the firesides go. I shouldn't do this, but I'm very attracted to this woman. I use woman because she's older. And has a daughter. Hahah, man that sounds freaky. But, her daughter is energetic and really individual! And, well, dumb as it sounds, she looks like Carrie Brownstein. Okay, I said it. You happy? Carrie, the rock guitarist I had a crush on for years, now in the form of another, more beautiful, woman. But I know that it's just a fancy. Got to let those go. Haha. Maybe that's a reason I'm having trouble with approaching others. That cutesy Amelie deal.

Wut tu tut tut

2005-10-14T17:43:56Z

When the day awakens in a daze effusing long red rays from a point source millions of miles away, there is a calm grey apparition that lingers with no purpose or fruition, merely marring the visibility of the cold moist building peaks. And the sharp piercing light is diffused into a dull lurid glow. As I'm sitting in the back of a '97 station wagon, crossing the Ross Island Bridge, I roll down my window and stare out into the fog. And for just a second, I can fool myself enough to think that instead of the city limits laying beyond the fog, I would find the open ocean. I can feel my chest wretch and twist the veins with the prospect. Renouncing the rigid structure of steel and concrete, the dischord and aperoidicity of mid-day traffic, the meaningless patterns of too many variables, chaos and complexity beyond any fathomable comprehension. I envy a scorpion the way a scorpion envies a phytoplankton. The sheer energy of expansive nothing. Current flowing through the surfaces and my body. And within this rigid structure that I am, genes are performing a circus act. Stacking one, atop the other, atop the other. Somewhere by the peak, someone's holding a Bible and shouting how glorious this structure is. Regardless of the bruised banged up knees of the base people. These people construct the roots of history, and they go back before structures, of steel and concrete that weave their way through me. If I had the opportunity, I shake the base of this "human" pyramid. And at the top, the systems would collapse one by one. From the societal, to the individual, to the multicellular. I would undo a hundred million years of mutations and reproduction. And Earth would return to a simmering cauldera of possibility. For those who question the validity of such a feat, why? What's the point of whether this inevitable thing happens now or later. This complex life is a fad that went on for a little too long.

anaoulache @ 2005-10-13T20:46:00

2005-10-14T03:49:45Z

I can't write a fucking song, nor can I understand singular value decomposition. Either way, it's a blow to my esteem knowing that I can't do a part of the two things I consider myself proficient at. I DO however have a chocolate cake with brazil nuts and coconut. I did not fuck that up which is a good thing. At this time, I will employ a moment to go savor the deliciousness of the sweet sweet chocolatey confections. I want to start a group of "all lyrics considered" that analyzes song lyrics because we could possibly obtain a deeper understanding of ourselves through lyrics. Bobby D. says it best. "Don't tell me about it, I don't wanna hear it. I lost all my picnic spirit. I'll have a picnic in my bathroom, send those folks up bear mountain."

The truth is...

2005-10-13T01:24:30Z

Ash is fashionably late as smooth silky embers come careening down from the silver silver cinder sky. And the fishes are choking amidst an alkaline lake, crying up, hey hey who took the sun away? It's dark. Light darts behind shrouds. You and I lay supine on a sprawl of smoking obsidian rolling over the acid beaches. And ash is falling all around with the downy crystal gaze that paralyzes us both in its serenity.

There is no denying that I'm very, very lonely right now.